Costa Rica
by Emily92
Summary: "He felt as if he were falling. Costa Rica wasn't there to catch him anymore." Toby-centric oneshot, post "Frame Toby." There's questioning about the point of life, a bit of Toby/Pam, and a lot of angst.


**Author's Notes: **Pure Toby angst after his Costa Rica adventures. He's one of those characters I don't really write enough of; feedback is always appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own_ The Office._

* * *

**Costa Rica**

"_I always fall in love with an open door with a horizon on an endless sea as I look around the ones who are standing right in front of me."_

- Death Cab for Cutie, "My Mirror Speaks"

Costa Rica was supposed to fix everything. Costa Rica was supposed to be the place where his life began, where his dreams came into play. Costa Rica was supposed to make him a better person; it was supposed to make his flaws disappear.

Costa Rica had proved itself to be ineffective.

Toby had returned to Scranton defeated.

He had put everything in Costa Rica. All of his hope, everything. Whenever he had a bad day he would daydream about being in Costa Rica. _Things would be better there_, he had reasoned, _it wouldn't be like this._ But now Costa Rica was nothing more than a bad day itself. It symbolized Toby's dreams and hopes, which were both no more.

Costa Rica was dead to him. He had gone there thinking that it would turn his life around, but it hadn't.

It hadn't done much of anything for him. He was the same old Toby, same old flawed, flawed man. Costa Rica hadn't fixed him. He felt stupid and naive for ever thinking that it would.

Toby couldn't help but wonder what the point was anymore. He had put everything into Costa Rica. And suddenly, Costa Rica was gone. Everything was gone. He felt empty. So, so empty. Costa Rica was what he had always held onto throughout the day. It was what he thought of when Jim and Pam were being particularly flirtatious. It was what he thought of whenever Michael opened his mouth. Costa Rica had been his crutch, his railing. It had always gotten him through the day. And now it was gone.

Toby felt as if he were falling. Costa Rica wasn't there to catch him anymore.

He was back at Dunder Mifflin. Things were more or less the same. Kelly was still friendly; Jim and Pam were still engaged. Michael seemed to hate him just a little bit more. He was pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that he replaced Holly.

Things here were the same. It was Toby's outlook that had changed.

Toby now knew that this was _it_. There wasn't anything better waiting for him out there. This was all there was to it; this was all there was to his life. This was all he had to look forward to. Costa Rica wasn't out there for him anymore.

Costa Rica had left him. His dreams had left him. His hope had left him. His thought that maybe there was something more to the world out there than this had vanished. He was all alone in a life that he hated. All he had for company were his flaws.

He had a lot of those.

He was quiet and awkward and inappropriate (_why did you have to do and touch her knee like that?_) and a pushover and completely infatuated with someone else's girl.

He to contend with all of that, and he didn't have Costa Rica to comfort him anymore.

Costa Rica was over. It hadn't fixed anything. Costa Rica had been like a shred of optimism in his depressing day to day life, and it was gone. It was not only gone, but it had also failed him. It was supposed to make him a better man, supposed to show him a better life. It had done neither of those things.

The knowledge that Costa Rica hadn't been what he thought it would always haunt him. It was like having the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was as if he were privy to a terrible secret. People thought that they could pursue their dreams, that they could find happier lives, but neither of those things truly existed. Things were always better in the abstract; once they became concrete and real, their flaws became glaringly obvious.

Toby knew that better than anyone. Costa Rica had taught him that.

Costa Rica had educated him, just as it had taken everything away from him.

He wondered what the point was. What was the point of living if the one thing he had looked forward to for so many years had disappointed him so severely? What was out there for him anymore? What was the point?

He really wondered.


End file.
